Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize