I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
