I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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