walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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