I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
