Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
