i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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