I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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