idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
