i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
