Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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