he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
