the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize