Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
