I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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