I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
