and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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