i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
