I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
