Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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