6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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