if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize