I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She's just so happy...and so naked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
