I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
