I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
