on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
