The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
