Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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