Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
