I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
