I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
