So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The Olympian is in my bed
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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