The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
