Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
