May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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