Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
should my penis look like a turkey
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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