I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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