I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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