I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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