Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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