i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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