Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
