I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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