Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
