If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
