when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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