Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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