the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
vagina is talking i cant
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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