what day is it and did you see me today?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
