She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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