I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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