Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
