im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
