Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize