I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
