maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Randomize
