I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
