Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
