she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize