A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
