I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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