i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
