My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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