nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
